DayDreams and NightMares
by Define Me
Summary: "He'd been abandoned by his only home. By people he'd known for years. By an empire he'd been so loyal to and I wondered what it was like to literally have nothing..." Zadf/Zadr (this is an angsty/ suicidal fic, so be warned)


**Okay, so I've been reading a lot of angsty IZ stories and I wanted to write one because I FEEL LEFT OUT! Right, so anyway, along with my "angsty" stories I've read about Zim finding out the truth from his leaders and going totally suicidal, I guess this is just another one of those, so hopefully it's okay and not too terrible. This story is ALL in Dib's POV because I was real lazy. This is just the product of a bored Define Me on Sunay nights.**

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I sighed deeply as I turned to look at the unconscious figure lying limply in my bed. Since it was Friday, I could stay up as long as I wanted, though I secretly did that anyway. I had spent hours tending to his wounds.

The wounds that he had given himself...

Today I learned what was really wrong with him these past few weeks. Why he always moped. Why he barely even spoke to me anymore. I wondered to myself why I even cared at all. This was the person who had tormented me ever since he first arrived. But that was five years ago...

I had been recently considering a friendship or even an odd partnership between us. Over the years he'd spent here, he'd mellowed out rather a lot. He didn't really yell out randomly or speak in third person anymore. He still spent all of his time by himself during the day, and still hated to interact with people, but the one thing I really took notice of was that he never seemed bothered to have to work with me, anymore. While we still disliked each other, I would never call it hate. I recalled a project we were once assigned to do together, most night's we'd end up not doing anything. We'd laugh and joke and I admit I'd loved it. I felt that even though we were enemies, we could put everything aside and still have a good time in each other's company.

No one really understood us the way we understood each other. We'd have our moments where we'd fight, tell each other the most horrible of things, but it never got out of hand. I was happy with our relationship and didn't want to mess things up by saying that I wanted something more...

I wanted to be friends.

I had never had a real friend before. Ever. When I was younger, it hurt me to hear other's call me 'freak' or 'weird', or some other mean name. I was just as sure that Zim hadn't had anyone like that either. He didn't know how to react to being treated with kindness, he'd always be on his guard and be ready to fight, and it made me wonder if that was what Irkens were like. If there were only enemies. If there was only hate in every relationship. I wanted to give him someone to care about, and I wanted him to feel cared about.

Everything was just fine. Just the way I wanted it. Until about three weeks ago, when normally we would casually talk to each other and throw playful insults. But, he didn't do that anymore. He never talked to me or anyone, for that matter. I never saw him at lunch, and he never made eye contact with me after school. I don't know what it was about him that changed, I could place it exactly...

But he always looked tired, he was pale, and even through his contacts his eyes were dull. He moved sluggishly, as though it pained him. And he showed up late every day to class, so much, that Ms. Bitters didn't even acknowledge him when he would enter the room and take his seat.

I missed the time we'd spent together and I wanted to know what was wrong, so I made the decision to start following him everywhere, asking him questions and feeling more like my old self then I had in a long time. He usually gave me simple answers or excuses, his once strong voice now hoarse. Days passed with things going about this way, and every day I had grown more irritated with his behavior and had begun to harass him and tease him on a daily basis. I don't know why I started acting so cruelly toward someone I had wanted dearly as my friend, and now, thinking back on it, I'm ashamed.

But no day, no matter how terrible, could match today. As routine, I had done my share of torment and pretty soon the school day was over. But, for some reason, I wasn't satisfied. I had followed him on his route to his house, picking at him with words of both anger and mockery. When he didn't even so much as stumble over my vocabulary, I took to more physical means and began chucking small rocks at him from behind and kicking at his feet in hopes he would trip. I knew this was wrong, but my feeling of utter abandonment blinded my reason and drove me to be a bully.

When he still did not falter, I became angry and shoved him harshly from behind, making him fall hard onto the pavement below. I could see that his gloves had ripped from the years of over use and that his palms were skinned from the rough surface, and finally after weeks of being ignored, he turned his gaze up to look at me in confused hurt and quickly got to his feet, putting his hands on his elbows in a way to keep warm from the cold weather outside,

"Why are you doing this to me? Leave me alone!", his voice cracked in emotion, and I could tell that he didn't know why I was acting the way I was just as much as I didn't. I was about to lash out at him when I saw something I never though I would see.

Tears in his eyes.

My cold demeanor dropped and I immediately felt guilty, but before I could say anything, he ran from me and into his house as I heard the door slam shut. I knew I had to fix this, so I quickly headed to my house, dropped off my stuff, and set out for Zim's. By then it had already begun to rain, what with it being cold and heavily cloudy all day. I draped my coat over my head and ran to the sickly green house, careful not to slip through puddles and mud as I cut through yards.

Once at the dwelling, I gently put my hand to the door knob, expecting it to be locked firmly. But, when I turned it, the door opened for me, and inside it was completely dark, except for the light coming in from outside. I didn't dare step inside, for I strongly knew something was very wrong. I noticed that Zim's annoying little robot didn't come to greet me as it usually would...

I lifted my foot slowly to take my first step when I heard a loud yell emanate from somewhere in the home. Acting upon instinct, I ran inside without another thought. Another yell sounded and I realized that it was coming from below. I quickly made my way to the trashcan in the corner of the kitchen and soon found myself in Zim's maze of different labs. I shouted Zim's name and I heard it echo throughout the facility, I then began to run up and down the different halls and areas, looking in every room I came across. When another yell came to my ears, it sounded strangled. It sounded pained and broken and I bolted to the room in which it came. When the door slid open for me, I looked inside hesitantly before walking in. I heard a small whine come from the far corner of the room, and I took in the objects that were strewn around the small space. Papers, tools, and small machines were all on the floor, as well as some wires that hung from the ceiling, occasionally sparking and crackling. Another bitten down cry turned my attention to the small figure standing in the corner, his back turned to me. My eyes began to try and catch the details through the rooms darkness, it only source of light being a small, cone shaped ceiling light in the center of the room, which was swinging back and forth, at that moment. I reached my hand out slightly, but then pulled it back when I looked toward the floor, and the wet, red liquid upon it. I looked in horror at Zim's back, his arms bent of front of him and he held something to his stomach,

"Zim...?", I said.

I jumped a good amount as I saw Zim wrench his arms forward, a sound of pain passing through his lips. I questioned getting closer when slowly, Zim turned around, a sad smile on his face as I stared in utter horror at him. His clothes were stained with blood, which had begun to pool under him, and various cuts about him. I watched him look at me with those sad eyes of his, usually used to get what he wanted, as he dropped the small knife he had in his hand, blood soaking his torn glove, and let it clang to the floor. I was completely frozen at the sight. I didn't know whether to scream or cry. That was when he collapsed.

I made haste as I gathered him up in my coat and carried him bridal style to the upper part of the house. I was almost of the door when I heard the faintest 'hello', and looked back to see Zim's little robot walking carefully up to me. The fact that he didn't look once at Zim told me that he already knew what was going on, and I allowed him to climb up and rest in Zim's lap as I hurried through the heavy rain.

Once home, I made sure no one would see me as I scurried up to my room and set the alien down onto floor. Going to the bathroom to fetch disinfectant and other first aid supplies. I set my materials down next to me as I first took Zim's shirt off, revealing four deep stab wounds and several other slashes. I cleaned the blood from the injuries, then took one of Zim's wrists in my hand to clean the crimson liquid from his arms. I saw dozens of slashes about his wrists, fresh wounds mixed with scars from previous ones and I kicked myself for not being able to figure out he'd been doing this sooner. I tried to ignore the emotional turmoil I felt as I stitched Zim's deep lacerations and wrapped the ones on his abdomen and arms. I looked at Gir as I picked Zim up gently from my floor and set him on my bed, pulling a blanket out of my closet and laying it over him.

And this is where I started off. Staring at Zim as he lied on my bed, thinking about what I just witnessed. But now I realize it, I was so confused before, but now I get it.

He tried to kill himself.

I couldn't help but feel like it was all my fault, but I knew it wasn't. He'd been acting strange for weeks now, so it had to be something else bothering him besides me...

While Zim 'slept', I was left with nothing to do, since Gir took to sleeping by Zim's side. So, I played with my computer for a while, testing out it's full capabilities and such before turning to play random games I'd downloaded months ago. It must have been hours before I finally heard the slightest of movement behind me. Where Zim's eyes fluttered slightly open and he groaned weakly. I saw him study my room with bewilderment until he began to panic and sit up in my bed suddenly. Maybe a little too suddenly because he quickly collapsed back down and held a hand to his head, groaning.

"Headache?", I asked. My arms crossed along my chest, much little a disapproving parent would do.

Zim jumped at my voice and squinted as his eyes tried to adjust to my dark room, only my computer giving off light.

"Huh?", he uttered

My anger quickly flared in my stomach,  
"What did you think you were doing?", I walked up to the bedside

"Dib? What...What am I doing h-"

"I brought you here. Because you tried to kill yourself!"

He seemed confused at my voice, what I was saying. Then I saw the wisdom come back to his eyes and he turned his head away from me.

"I'm sorry...", he said, his tone defeated and shamed

My expression softened and a dropped into my computer chair, running my hand through my wet hair. Silence consumed the room until I spoke again,

"Why? Why would you do this to yourself? To me?", I ask

Zim turns his head back to face me, his eyes full of hurt, and I could tell he was trying to make up an excuse.

"I...I don't know.."

"Don't lie to me.", my voice is hard, and I almost regret my tone when I see him tense up. He says nothing, so I decide to continue,

"Did someone hurt you? Did someone do something to you?", when he doesn't reply I coldly say, "Answer me."

"No. I'm fine..."

"Well, clearly you're not.", I sigh, "Please Zim. I want to help you. If no one did anything to you, then what is it?"

He hesitates for a moment, I can see him questioning himself to whether he should lie or not. Finally, he sighs in defeat,

"It's...my leaders.", he says, and this time it's my turn to be surprised.

"What about them? What did they do?", I ask, he pauses a moment.

"They told me...everything...", he still refuses to look my way.

"Everything about what?", it's probably a stupid question to ask, but it's not like I can take it back.

"Everything! Everything about me, my life! Who I am!", he throws my blanket off and shifts himself toward me as I instinctively push my chair back. I learned years ago that I can't ever let my guard down near him, what with all of his crazy mood swings.

"I...I'm nothing. My whole life has been nothing...I'm not even supposed to be alive...", says as he stares down at his hands in his lap. At this point, I'm utterly confused, but then I realised that this is what's been bothering him, and that I've only made it worse by taunting him...

"They hated me all this time...wanted me to die or get lost in space. They didn't even know there was a planet here!", his tone cuts me like a knife. Hurt. Given up. But no, I won't let that happen. He's not giving up on my or anyone else's account.

"Maybe I'm better off dead...", hearing these words kick me into high gear

"No!", my voice startles him and I grab him by the shoulders, "No one's better off dead! I know it sounds cheesy, but I don't care. I'm not going to let you throw everything you've worked for away!"

"But, I can't do anything! I can't go back to Irk, I can barely live here! What am I supposed to do?", he looks me in the eye, and my mind comes back with another question.

"You can't go back? Why?", I feel his shoulders sag under my grip as he looks to the side of us.

"They'll kill me...they said they didn't want me back, and they meant it."

Well, now I'm all out of ideas. I was trying to find a way to get Zim to rethink his suicidal quest. But now, I've got nothing. Now, I couldn't blame him for anything. Couldn't blame him for wanting to die. He been abandoned by his only home. By people he'd known for years. By an empire he'd been so loyal to. They just through him away without a second thought and I wondered what it was like to literally have nothing to go back to. What made me feel even worse was the fact that he didn't like it here. He couldn't eat any of Earth's food and couldn't even be near its water. Just when I though my world ended when I lost my mom...

It was ten times worse for him...he had no family, well, besides a small insane robot, a moose, and a snarky computer as a base.

_He also has you._

A small voice in my head replied. Jeez, maybe I was crazy...

I take Zim by the shoulders again, seeing as how I'd apparently let go, and say,

"Zim, I'm sorry. Sorry for everything, sorry for the way I've treated you over the past few weeks. It wasn't right..."

He looks at me with curiosity in his eyes, like he doesn't know why I'm the one apologizing

"But, that doesn't mean you can give up. Look at how far you've come, its been five years!", I say

"But, what can I possibly do now? I don't have anyone...", he bows his head so I can't see his face.

"Wrong.", I say as I bring my hand up to his face and force him to look at me, "You have Gir, and Minimoose, and all of the friends we've made through the years.", I pause, questioning myself on what I'm about to do.

Come on, he doesn't know what it means, yet.

I muster up all of my courage, or whatever courage I had to begin with, and lean down slowly to capture Zim's lips in my own. I hear him make a sound of surprise, and I have to admit, I'm surprised too. After a moment, I break the embrace and say,

"You also have me..."

Zim looks down and stares at the ground for a few seconds, then a smile spreads across his features as he lifts his head up to look at me. The same fire in his eyes that only I can see. He leans forward and wraps his thin arms around my waist, his head pressed to my stomach.

"Thank you...", I hear him say. I chuckle playfully

"For what?"

"For taking care of me..."

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**Okay then, I apologize for any grammar and/or spelling mistakes. Please let me know what you think, even though I feel the need to remind you that this is the product of boredom. Thank you for reading:)**


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